I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
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PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.