I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
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I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
There are usually two types of merchants.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”