[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
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My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Tough love is true love
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.