*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
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I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.