I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
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A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Spider-cat: No One Home
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.