@mattZillaaaa: I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
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@TrainedHedonist: What religious people say: "I have you in my prayers." What non-religious people hear: "I'm trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio."
@LuvPug: The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she's all like, 'I'll never let go' and then she lets go.
@dysondoc: Trump: "I'm going to make sure we let in less immigrants." Pence: "Fewer!" Trump: "Shhh, don't call me that yet."