@mattZillaaaa: I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
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@ElmoYouNasty: Beyonce made a song called "Single Ladies" then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
@causticbob: My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."
@nayomeewallace: When people ask me if I'm working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they're hurting hard or hardly hurting.