I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
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My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.