I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
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Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?