@Pirate_nurse: I just shaved my legs for the first time in 2 weeks so if you will come clean out my tub I won't judge u for making a beautiful rug
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@InternetHippo: BEN CARSON’S WIFE: Are you coming home for dinner BEN CARSON: Go to ben carson dot com and read my plan to come home for dinner
@kwirkyKerri: Facebook tells me those vans are dangerous, but Twitter says they have candy. So conflicted.
@OtherDanOBrien: [2 toads chillin'] Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you'll get high. "Whaaaat, that's genius." We gon’ get mad licked, son.
@Playing_Dad: Me: We don't have any more Girl Scout cookies and now I'm sad. Wife: I get sad, too. Like when I think about being married to a 40yo baby