I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
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Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
pictures of spider-man
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
No Google it does not
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist