@KateWhineHall: I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
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@cbdoubleu: Hulk Hogan: I struggled to overcome manic-depression. Me [as his therapist]: So you could say you had to wrestle mania? *gets leg dropped*
@OhNoSheTwitnt: My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he's been reading the news and knows he won't get punished for it.
@PaulyPeligroso: This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I'll taste it nonetheless.
@Sickayduh: "911, what's your emerg-" "The women at work have synced their uteri and it's Hell" "Sir uteri is not plural for ute-" "TAMPI EVERYWHERE"