I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
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I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
All set.
This is Sparta
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over