A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
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Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?