Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
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Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware