I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
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My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
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My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.