I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
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If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend