I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
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So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Education is vital
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥