@PAT_E_ROCK: I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
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@WilliamAder: If I had known "cuties" were little oranges when my wife asked me to "bring a few home," I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
@Hobo_Splendido: Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
@Brianhopecomedy: Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could've sworn she mouthed the word "crap".
@Paxochka: I saw a zombie wearing Crocs on The Walking Dead and thought to myself "she totally deserved to die".