I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
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Me: I never remember whether I鈥檓 supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i鈥檓 the only one here
CEO: yep
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 馃檪
I told him I鈥檇 send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
I hate when there鈥檚 a knock on your door and you open the door and it鈥檚 someone.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell