I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
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*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
good for her
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?