didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
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I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!