@concretesledge_: I just spent $100 at Whole Foods. This better be a damn good bag of Almonds.
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@causticbob: A secretary walks into her boss's office and says, "Can I use your Dictaphone?" He says, "No, dial with your finger like everyone else."
@kentgrossarth: Boss: Is that beer? You're not supposed to drink at work! Me: You're not supposed to cheat on your wife. Boss: You're doing a great job.
@Xoolun: My wife said she wants to be treated like gold on her birthday. Apparently, locking her in the safe wasn't what she had in mind.