Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
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the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
at ease…shoulder.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.