I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
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My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.