I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
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I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
this isn’t threatening at all
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.