@Girliegurll: I just spent 38 minutes on the phone w my mother. And she couldn't tell I was drinking. I'm worried about her, now.
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@bobvulfov: APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop [flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet] ME: hurricane
@SondraDeeMe: When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you're a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
@bridger_w: "Oh, are you driving?" -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
@funandmisery: [Hands on Ouija Board] Me: If you’re really my grandma give me a sign! “W.H.Y.A.R.E.N.T.Y.O.U.D.A.T.I.N.G.Y.O.U.R.E.S.O.H.A.N.D.S.O.M.E.”