The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
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This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Never let them know your next move 😂
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Digital security in Ancient Troy
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot