I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
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Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror: