Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
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My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.