@TheRolo: I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit "ignore caller" on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
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@famouscrab: you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
@WheelTod: Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
@Bluestmoon_: How to make microwave popcorn: 2 minutes 27 seconds-half bag popped. 2 minutes 29 seconds-MICROWAVE ON FIRE.