Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
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Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.