I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
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I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Breaking news:
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one