I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
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Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
can’t believe I got front row seats
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.