I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
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We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldnāt even make the ticker
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
awkward
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 daysš¬š
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Positives about working from home:
– Thereās no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I donāt leave the house
– Iāve started talking to the cat.
š¤£š¤£š¤£š Easy assemble?
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
The āIs it a bird? Is it a planeā trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.