“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
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[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Please do it!
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
I love you to the refrigerator and back