@novicefather: I just steam cleaned my carpets and wondered how difficult a homicide would be to clean up.
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@SemFitty: Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don't hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
@JohnLyonTweets: I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
@virtualhippie: Being high in front of your parents is like trying to do your best impression of yourself.
@iwearaonesie: girlfriend asks you to get wine: You're getting laid wife asks you to get wine: You're getting yelled at