@novicefather: I just steam cleaned my carpets and wondered how difficult a homicide would be to clean up.
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@jazmasta: [first day as a doctor] You seem depressed. Also you look underweight, how's your diet? [nurse interrupts me] "Dr that's the model skeleton"
@Sarcasmo718: I'd love to see Jason Statham's face when he finds out you can turn down movie roles.
@partlyfunny: My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.