Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
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My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*