something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
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police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own