Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
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Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?