Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
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Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS