I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
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My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.