I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
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Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
I only treason on days ending in y
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top