I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
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Rich people don’t understand cereal
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.