Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
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If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Hitlers gonna hitl
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Herpes is trending, good job people
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away