me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
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– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
everyone’s a critic
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
How do you milk an almond?
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.