I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
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Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.