HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
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Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.