It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
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Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.