me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
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If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.