@lynyrdsbackyard: I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
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@iscoff: If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
@bigmacher: I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I'm lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
@Jay_FrickinLynn: [During Interview] "Do you have any questions?" - Yeah, inTitanic why did Jack sink when he died but everyone else floated?
@julezmac: Football is so cute it's like some guys are like we're gonna get you and one guys like no no no no