I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
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movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name