I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
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Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit