@BonaFideIntent: I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy's the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
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@MyMomologue: Bedtime: Brush teeth Put on pjs Read Turn off light Put them back in bed Put them back in bed Threaten everything they love Put them back
@WildeThingy: [re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] "come to me baby, and jump, and oops... You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear."
@FrenulumBreve: [15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner] Date: are you crying?
@HighOnDrunk: I don't mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!