@BonaFideIntent: I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy's the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
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@QwertyJones3: [vacuuming] Pick up your feet please. Kid on sofa: No! Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first* *turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
@ChrisIsJoking: Overheard this guy say "I can skin a deer in 20 min, but I still can't hula hoop." Not sure why he thinks those skills would be transferable
@bridger_w: This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.