I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
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A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Livid.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.