@Dani_Feld: I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
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@InternetHippo: SCIENTISTS: We've discovered a massive black hole with no obvious qualities ME: Ok wow I'm right here
@Aimiekins: You enter. "I've been expecting you," I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
@hippieswordfish: ME: isn't this great?? WIFE: not really ME: *looks down from the top bunk* what's wrong
@1_swarthy_dude: Boss:"I'll need those projections done Aesop!" Me:"You mean ASAP?" Boss:"No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson."