@Dani_Feld: I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
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@Brianhopecomedy: Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don't know exactly what she's planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
@ClaytonSykes: Judge: Your client says he's mentally fit to stand trial correct?Lawyer: Yes, your honor.Judge: Then can you tell him to get out of my seat?
@nerdjpg: It’s 2007. You’re working on a PowerPoint for school. It’s about ancient Egypt. You select the Papyrus font. “Yes, Perfect”
@mejustbeth: Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I'll put some clothes on too.