I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
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[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Bootstraps
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
i want the dreams to chase me for once
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”