Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
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Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me