You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
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Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
i dont have time for this
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”