i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
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Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Bike for sale
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors